A Tale of 3 Hot Water Bottles

1. Waking up in the middle of the night, soaking wet, is a bit of a shock. First thought: Did I wet myself? A hot water bottle is very comforting if you live in an old house with draughty windows and no heating but beware of old hot water bottles with perished rubber.

2. How can a hot water bottle be so hot that it sets the curtains on fire? If someone has a mental health problem, this seems quite reasonable to them. Naively, I tried to calm our elderly neighbour, reasoning that the heat would burst the hot water bottle and the water would put out the fire. Next problem: "Flood! We're going to drown..."

3. If you're trying to keep heating costs down, putting a HWB in bed while you get ready to join it is a good idea. However, ensure that you replace the stopper correctly and, just in case, move the bottle and feel the sheet before you leap into bed. Last night, I had to strip the bed and leave the mattress to dry overnight, spending the remaining hours in the spare room. Still tired... Zzzzzzz

Dude, Where's my 'phone?

We were staying with some friends one summer when they saw their friend and neighbour get out of a car, his face bruised and stitches above his eye.

The previous evening, he (let's call him 'Vic' - short for victim!) and his friend who had been staying with him, got drunk and started arguing; the friend (no longer a friend) attacked Vic and walked out.

Vic walked several miles to hospital and, after receiving treatment in the early hours, hitch-hiked home.

After he told us his story, his cell-phone rang. Vic thought it was his girl-friend calling but it was the violent ex-friend. Angry, upset and emotional, Vic hurled the cell-phone across the garden. We politely suggested that he might want to retrieve it in case his girl-friend tried to contact him.

It was no-where to be found, not on the grass or in the shrub borders. Thinking that it couldn't possibly have reached the road beyond, we looked, nevertheless, but couldn't see it anywhere. Our friends called the number and we listened carefully - yes! Following the sound, we stood in the middle of the road above a drain and could see it, maybe a foot (30 cms) below the surface, through a grid. Incredible! Even Vic was laughing at how ludicrous this situation had become.

The cell-phone, thanks to a young girl's long and skinny arm, was retrieved! Vic is now fine and the ex-friend has never returned.

Going up in a Stairlift

I was looking at the London Stair-Lifts website when I was reminded of an amusing story.

My aunt and uncle lived in a first floor apartment with a private ground-floor entrance hall. They would unload the shopping from their Yaris then one would take the stair lift up, followed by relays of bags of shopping, then the other person.

Just like a kid, I wanted to be allowed to use it too but was too embarrassed to ask!

I'm not convinced that they actually needed a stair-lift for themselves at the time but having one already installed enabled them to easily transport heavier shopping items to their upstairs apartment with its massive balcony and excellent views of the coastline.

Remember that scene from Gremlins?

Lifestyle and British Accents

When we bought our house in 2006, it was still in its 1960-built / 1975-redecorated state. We spent a year organising the extension, planning permission, etc. and another year or two with various tradespeople building and finishing and decorating indoors and out. We still hadn't finished everything but felt that we'd spent enough!

The end result was good. In fact, everyone who walks in for the first time uses the same description, "Wow!" Not because it's ultra-super-amazing but because the inside is an unexpected upgrade from the ordinary 1960 frontage.

However, I've never managed to find much time for housework and, with a teenager in the house, it's always a manic tidy/clean when I know someone is coming, which isn't very often as I'm totally unsociable. I sometimes think it would be better to have more visitors so that the house was tidier more often. It was brilliant having builders around - I had a perpetual excuse never to clean or tidy.

There was a Scot amongst the Cockney builders but, in general, I found myself emulating the way that the 'Norf Lundoners' were speaking, despite years of living in middle-class Herts, probably because I was born and schooled in North London.

In the 1970s, I married a Scot who has now lived and worked amongst pseudo-Cockneys for much of his life and now has barely a trace of Scottish accent - except when he wants to - yet his older brother, who moved south at the same time, has never lost his Scottish accent.

There is a great round-up of accents in this video (not Hertfordshire though!)
I hope you will enjoy...

Well, what do YOU think it is?

Location: Very posh hotel on the River Thames, not far from London.

Participants: James, the 'footman' (yes, really, that's how he introduced himself) and Mr P, a weekend guest, plus (uncredited) a desk manager and later, another weekend guest.

Going into Breakfast.

James: Ah Mr Pxxxxxx. I have your tea.

Mr P: Tea? Have you mixed me up with someone else?

James: No Sir, don't embarrass me. Please take the tea.

(Mr P takes packet pictured above and slips it into pocket)

An hour later, Checking out.

Guest at desk: Do you have the tea I asked for?

Desk Manager, searching: I'm sorry, Sir, it's not here.

Mr P, standing nearby: Ah, I think I know where it is...

Apparently, yes, it's a rather good breakfast tea from a posh shop in London.

Pillow Talk

Buying new pillows last week, I noticed that there were guidance notes: for those who sleep on their side, for those who sleep on their back, for those who sleep on their front. As a restless sleeper who spends each night in all those positions, I was considering which was best when an assistant offered help.

"I can't decide which is best for me," I told him, "I'm a tosser."

(I still can't believe I said that!)

Remembering Every Other Word

I was travelling into London, following verbal instructions. I'm not very good at remembering things I hear so I should have written them down...

(something) Line (something) Circus (something) Street

From Kings Cross I got on the Piccadilly Line (should have been the Victoria Line) to Piccadilly Circus (should have been Oxford Circus); I began walking along Regent Street (should have been Oxford Street) until I realised that Hamleys hadn't moved, to my knowledge, so I was in the wrong place yet again.

Arrived at my destination one hour late.

French Kissing

Today I met up with another cousin (brother of the Joan Armatrading's New Guitar cousin) fresh from playing bass guitar in the Pop'pea gig in Paris and, hence, he gave me a kiss on both cheeks.

He related that, on being introduced to a friend's girl-friend last week, he went to double-kiss her but she was not expecting the second kiss and, as he moved from one side of her face to the other, he accidentally brushed his lips on hers. He blurted out an apology, "Oh sorry, I was trying to give you a French kiss."

(Oops! A bit difficult with foot-in-mouth.)

Joan Armatrading's New Guitar

I found the following exchange quite funny!

Conversation highlights:

My cousin: "Sold a guitar to a bona fide music legend today. Ladies and gentlemen... Miss Joan Armatrading"

Friend 1: "V cool - what did she buy?"

My cousin: "It was a James Tyler Variax in Lake Placid Blue"

Friend 2: "[name of mutual friend} is impressed ...he can't even think about selling any of his guitars, it causes him too much pain. He has been coveting the one you sold for a while; apparently it's quite good for switching to altered tunings when gigging without having to swap guitars? Did you sell because you weren't impressed with it?"

My cousin: "No, I sold it 'cos I work in a guitar shop"

Friend 3: "Very cool customer..... Did she do you a few verses of "What if god was one of us" while she was there?"

My cousin: "Er no, Joan Osborne might do it if she came in."

Friend 3: "Ahhhhh in that case I've no idea if your customer was cool.... If Ms Osborne ever calls in let me know and I'll have a healthy dose of awe and wonder ready prepared."

My "Not Going Out" Moment

When I was chatting with someone earlier today (might as well call him Tim) who was telling me about meeting his wife almost 30 years ago, I had my Lee Mack moment.

     Tim: I met her on a Monday

     Me: And your heart stood still?

It fell flat so I needed to share... Where's the canned laughter when you need it?